we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize