the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There r osticjed everywhere
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
