Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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