I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
