i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize