I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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