Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
