listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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