Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
