It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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