i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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