Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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