Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
my poor anus
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
