I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
whose parrot is this?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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