i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
