my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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