I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
