4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
