God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
