listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Randomize
