If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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