hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
