Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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