ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
