There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize