Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
