you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
