i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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