why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
