dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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