Welp...herpes.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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