I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
