If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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