And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
