he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
