You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
