I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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