I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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