In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
