I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
