She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
