Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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