Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I got inside last night via doggy door
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
