I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
