I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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