I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
