I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
