Did you just see the Batmobile???
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
