It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
