rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
