ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
