I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
