just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
