some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
