Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize