I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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