had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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