please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
