I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
