Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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