Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
