my phone needs a breathalizer
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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