watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
