Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
