i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
