He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
