My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
