you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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