If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
