I could make wine with my vomit
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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