I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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