my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
