I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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