Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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